


Spam Spam, Wonderful Spam

by stargatefan_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-01-23
Updated: 2004-01-23
Packaged: 2018-10-07 01:47:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10349655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargatefan_archivist/pseuds/stargatefan_archivist
Summary: Warnings: References to male appendages and that most offensive of items –email spamSummary: The most bizarre piece of spam I ever got...





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Yuma, the archivist: this work was originally archived at [Stargatefan.com](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Stargatefan.com). To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [StargateFan Archive Collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/StargateFan_Archive_Collection).

Stargate SG-1 Fanfiction - Spam Spam, Wonderful Spam

Jack picked up his phone. "What?" he snapped. 

"O’Neill," Teal’c intoned on the other end of the line. "I require your immediate assistance." 

"What’s up T?" 

"I do not wish to divulge the problem over the phone. I would rather show you in person." 

Jack sighed. "Okay. Gimme five…" 

Fifteen minutes later, he found Teal’c in his quarters. The big Jaffa was staring at his computer screen with an expression of disgust. 

"Okay Teal’c – what’s up?" 

Teal’c turned to look at the Colonel. "O’Neill, I must show you an email that I received this morning. It would appear to have been sent from a General Hardon, although I do not understand why he would consider me to be a valid recipient." 

Jack looked at the screen and saw the mail in question. His lips twitched. "I can see why you might be confused Teal’c," he said, struggling to keep a straight face. "It’s not as if you’ve got – much of a problem in that area." 

Teal’c looked at Jack, one eyebrow raised. "But would taking the action suggested in this email not be an extremely painful thing to do?" 

Jack’s face contorted in his attempts not to laugh. "It would, T." He bit hard on his lip and frowned as he tried to get his face under control. "I think Daniel would be interested in seeing this." 

"You do?" Teal’c looked surprised. "Why would Daniel Jackson have need of such a product O’Neill? I cannot believe that he would want to take such a course of action any more than you or I." 

"Oh, I don’t think he does need this. I just think he should see the message." Jack leant over and forwarded the message to Daniel. 

In Daniel’s office, Sam and Daniel were studying an artefact when his computer suddenly squawked "Oh fer cryin’ out loud!" in Jack’s dulcet tones. 

"Daniel, what’s that?" laughed Sam. 

"It’s my mail alert," Daniel admitted sheepishly. "Given that ninety percent of the mail I get is from Jack, I thought that was appropriate." 

"Nice one Daniel," grinned Sam. 

"I’ll bet this is from him, some stupid bit of spam that he thinks is incredibly funny," grumbled Daniel as he went to check his mail. 

Daniel’s snort stopped Sam’s study of the artefact. She stared at the archaeologist in amazement. Daniel was actually laughing. It started off as a chuckle but quickly developed into helpless giggling with tears running down his face. 

"What?" asked Sam in amazement. Daniel laughing at all was such a rare occurrence that his current state of helplessness was positively noteworthy. 

Daniel couldn’t reply for laughing. Instead he gestured vaguely at the screen. "Sorry… just struck me as funny… just stupid really…" He collapsed in another fit of the giggles. 

Sam looked at the screen. There sat in Daniel’s inbox was the offending piece of spam, forwarded on by Teal’c. She read the subject line and smirked, then started to laugh too. "You’ve got to admit, that’s one hell of a marketing strategy," she laughed. 

"Not to mention a whole new martial art," Daniel giggled. 

"If a little painful!" replied Sam. 

"Hey kids!" Jack and Teal’c wandered into the room. "See you got the email then," said Jack. 

"Is this how we’re going to defeat the Goa’uld then?" giggled Daniel. 

"Drop trousers, take aim, and fire!" chortled Sam. 

"Brings a whole new meaning to the term staff weapon," added Daniel. 

"Knew you’d like it," grinned Jack. 

Teal’c just stared at the three of them, one eyebrow raised. "So you do not find this to be offensive?" he asked. 

"Oh no, this is just so funny," Daniel laughed. 

"Evidently," replied Teal’c, who was struggling to remember if he had ever seen Daniel Jackson in such a state of merriment. 

"Can you send it to me, Daniel?" asked Jack. "This has got to be passed on." 

"Oh, me too," grinned Sam. 

Teal’c took one more confused look at his team mates happily creating a circulation list for the piece of spam mail in question and then left the room, head cocked like a confused puppy. 

By the end of the day, half the SGC had seen the message, and Ferretti was muttering about starting up a new martial arts class for something he was calling Wang-Dong-Do. 

And the cause of all this? 

An email entitled "Break down walls with your enormous penis". 

**The End**

  


* * *

  


> AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay – I got the piece of spam in question and I reacted like Daniel. I thank Monty Python for the title of this story. It’s not beta’d – I couldn’t subject Ali to this, but I just had to use this email for something… Sorry. 

* * *

>   
>  © November, 2003 The characters mentioned in  
>  this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp etc. I have  
>  merely borrowed them and and will give them back the way I found them –  
>  honest! The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have  
>  appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and  
>  backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television,  
>  Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I  
>  Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon  
>  those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the  
>  story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.  
> 

* * *

  



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